Friday, February 6, 2009

False reality

2-6-09 wild & carefree brain

Tuesday 2-3-09, my "stable brain" was doing the talking..... today my "wild & carefree brain" wants equal blogging time. (see I really am split in two quite often!)

This business about having a predicable and stable life..... that really is nonsense...... that is a false reality. Sure I had a safe, secure, and loving childhood for 18 years...... And I have been blessed with that same situation in my 16 years of marriage...... But there was a time in between when my life was not what you would call normal or stable.

I was living out side the box a little bit anyway. I was not following the usual stereotypical path one would expect. I wasn't a wife or mother like many of my friends. I was still in college finding myself until I was age 26. I had no idea what direction my life would be taking most days. I was kind of a loner, a tormented "artist" in many ways, taking calculus, organic chemistry, and biology classes. I knew each situation was just a temporary experience and I was OK with that for the most part. These were fun and interesting times and I have stared to reflect back on them this week. This above picture is from 1982 (age 26) taken by a photographer roaming the U of I campus looking for prospects for Playboy magazine....... Well, that's what he told me.........I don't know if he was for real and NO, I didn't follow up with him, but he sent this photo to me. (Stupidly I did give him my name, address & phone number!) ..... he could of been a serial killer!

At times, these years felt a bit chaotic and unstable, but that also made me feel really alive, taking some pleasure in living on the edge......... life was not predictable and life was "out of my control" and this is actually when my faith started to grow. By 1990 when I was feeling worn out and broken in many ways, this is when I turned control of my life over to God. Chaos can be useful as an important step to bring you to your knees....... humbling yourself....... leading you to ask for help and forcing you to surrender.
Sweet Surrender!..................... (continued tomorrow)

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